after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
