shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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