If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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