Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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