My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
and she was petting her beer can
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
A bitchslap is in order.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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