One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
