i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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