DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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