Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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