I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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