I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
