He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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