She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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