the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
