I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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