I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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