Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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