Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
