Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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