Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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