I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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