She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
