where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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