I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
