do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
