she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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