I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
