i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
