Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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