the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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