Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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