dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
