my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
