I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
