he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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