my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
