Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
