So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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