My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
