I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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