So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
