I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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