Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
