Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Randomize