I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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