Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
