OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
