don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
