I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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