Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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