Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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