her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
