Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
