I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
