I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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