Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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