I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
