I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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